I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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