I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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