I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
