i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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