what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
