70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
