So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
