He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i drank out of a bidet.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
