It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
