I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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