I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
