Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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