she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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