I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
