turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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