You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
