I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
