Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
