After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
