At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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