Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I could have mohawked her pubes.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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