Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize