no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
