I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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