3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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