over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
