She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize