i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
