my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
