worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
