The maid of honor just puked.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
