Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
