She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
