Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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