This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
