I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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