Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
