and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
