Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
