literally had 100 drinks last night.
there's paper in my vomit.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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