its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You dont lie about slip and slides
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
