i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish i was in the wii world.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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