Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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