yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
