I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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