It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
