I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
