i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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