She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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