dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The convent might be a nice break from real life
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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