Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
