And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I look better un-naked...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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