Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
