it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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