I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize