I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
