The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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