I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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