I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
