4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Let's get the cat blown out
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
