You're my little dorito
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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