all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
