A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
