i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
the condom got lost in my hair
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
