And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
