when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
