Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
