I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
