At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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