So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
