I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
