Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
