I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
