The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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