What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
